So you are still trying hard ...to compromise and make it happen.. You got to talk to your innerself. Its the most difficult decision. But defenitly worth your tears and fears. How long do you wanna live under this agony, in pain and soreness that tear you down ? There are a million factors, parents, children, society, money, security ..the list is never ending. The decision is yours and the no one else but you got to live thru.
Rachana Sharma says If you think that these ideas do not work for you, you can start saving money to buy another house , not for your spouse, but for yourself.
1. Marriages are made in heaven but lived on earth.
2. Enjoy the toast if you bought a toaster and juice in case of juicer. Accept that toaster will remain toaster throughout its life. If you open up all of its parts in order to turn it into juicer, beware!! It will be of no use to you.
3. To teach a grown up it is sufficient to mention once or twice. If it is ignored it shows that the person is not ready to be taught yet. To teach somebody, sometimes silence works better and sometimes actions and, trust me, they are louder than our screams and shouts. But if they continue to ignore, the message is clear and loud to you ...Quit trying to impose !!
4. By no means you can make other person ‘understand’ something if he or she is not willing to understand first...Don't waste you energy on never ending arguments.
5. Differences are not always meant to be sorted out; many of them can be enjoyed. And every wrong need not to be corrected.
6. Never lose your focus in life in exchange for the high hopes of marriage. Always have at least one passion in which you can absorb yourself. That is the only key to fulfillment.
Go ahead , live life the way you love it .....
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Make the bullies history - Shobha De
As a woman in India, I want to take my personal freedom for granted. Same as men. I am not asking for favours or demanding any concessions from society. All I am saying is, "Leave me alone to decide what is good for me." I don't want to be patronised or talked down to by a bunch of men, or even one man. Anybody, for that matter, even another woman. I hate the arrogance implicit in that. Why should any person believe he or she knows what is in my interests and in the larger interests of society? As an educated, urban adult, I am my own sole responsibility. I am looking for neither protection nor patronage. If I do make mistakes, they are my own, and the responsibility for the same rests with me.
Women remain India's most vulnerable minority. If we allow our agenda to be hijacked by mean-spirited, narrow-minded bigots, we have had it. Not only have we had it, but our daughters and their daughters have had it, too. We are obliged to speak up; no, shout out our objections, here and now, and make sure we are heard.
The only way forward is to form pressure groups and prosecute men like the Mangalore Molesters and the Bengaluru Beasties. For that to happen, we need sufficient numbers to participate in satyagrahas across India. Civil Disobedience brought down an empire not so long ago. These bullies are a piece of toast. Let us make them history.
http://week.manoramaonline.com/
Women remain India's most vulnerable minority. If we allow our agenda to be hijacked by mean-spirited, narrow-minded bigots, we have had it. Not only have we had it, but our daughters and their daughters have had it, too. We are obliged to speak up; no, shout out our objections, here and now, and make sure we are heard.
The only way forward is to form pressure groups and prosecute men like the Mangalore Molesters and the Bengaluru Beasties. For that to happen, we need sufficient numbers to participate in satyagrahas across India. Civil Disobedience brought down an empire not so long ago. These bullies are a piece of toast. Let us make them history.
http://week.manoramaonline.com/
Monday, March 30, 2009
Where words fail to value
I embrace the silence, who wakes up no souls
does not dream to transform
The never-ending journey of change
Oh fear …
You allow me not ..for I loose myself
Desolate, but have u on my side
Hold those droplets in you
For it has no where to go
Voyage is wearing
Where did we get mislaid?
Or is it that never found the way
Lonely in midst of swarm
U soothe my pain; and take me along
In stillness, hold me close
Where words fail to value
Breathe in the armor, Sheild within
layer so thorny that lets no words in
Thoughts are parting,
Seems so haze, frozen inside
Views are gray and talks vague
Paths off beam, leads nowhere
Keep going round n round
Bestow the glow, ray of hope
A reason to reside
does not dream to transform
The never-ending journey of change
Oh fear …
You allow me not ..for I loose myself
Desolate, but have u on my side
Hold those droplets in you
For it has no where to go
Voyage is wearing
Where did we get mislaid?
Or is it that never found the way
Lonely in midst of swarm
U soothe my pain; and take me along
In stillness, hold me close
Where words fail to value
Breathe in the armor, Sheild within
layer so thorny that lets no words in
Thoughts are parting,
Seems so haze, frozen inside
Views are gray and talks vague
Paths off beam, leads nowhere
Keep going round n round
Bestow the glow, ray of hope
A reason to reside
Thursday, March 19, 2009
One tragedy to another “mishap in progress”.
Life is a constant struggle. You move from one tragedy to another “mishap in progress”. The guardian’s turn detractor’s. Last night at around 10.30pm started getting calls from one of the Policemen who had helped me. Very odd . Why would some body who knows you in an official capacity and had interacted as a part of his duty disturb you late in the night ? Kept thinking the whole night. Was he trying to help me ? Was there something urgent, which could not wait until morning? Moreover the case has been closed, and its been more than a week. Every time the phone rang ..I was nervous. This trauma is gonna last long, not knowing what’s going to happen the next moment ? Waiting for the next abuser? Should I look at everybody at a potential threat??
There is only one answer. One of my friends had told me ….You are “Vulnerable” emotionally, mentally, physically, monetarily and maybe in many more ways. And yes you got to gather more strengh, more courage , more determination to face the challenge ie LIFE !
There is only one answer. One of my friends had told me ….You are “Vulnerable” emotionally, mentally, physically, monetarily and maybe in many more ways. And yes you got to gather more strengh, more courage , more determination to face the challenge ie LIFE !
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
We teach our daugters to be like our sons, when will we start teaching our sons to be like daughters ?
Day 1 of my campaign , learned a very important lesson. What ever be the circumstances you are in , what ever be the difficulties you face . This is a “Man’s World” and don’t expects your brother’s or uncle’s to even empathize with you. Lucky if your dad still talks to you. ( Am blessed that way) Be prepared to face the biggest opposition from your dear and near. Because we are taught , groomed and brought up to be submissive. The moment you raise your voice , you are a perceived as a threat to the society. You are labeled as a feminist.
Feminism is the belief that women should have equal political, social, sexual, intellectual and economic rights to men. But the way we Indians look at it is very different. For us Feminist is the one who breaks families and lives life for herself. The Selfish , evil side of woman. How strange ?? Is defending yourself or speaking for your sister an evil ? We teach our daugters to be like our sons, when will we start teaching our sons to be like daughters ?
Daughters are taught respect and tolerance, to be obedient and loyal. We also trained them to be brave and educated and be independent. Sons are groomed to hammer a nail or drill a straight hole, things like boxing, shooting, cigars,car/bike maintenance etc., We moms should teach them “empathy” & “compassion” , to be "gentle" and "sensitive" . Most important," To cry when they are hurt and when they hurt others". And a day would come when a Girl will thank you from the bottom of her heart !!!
We can only hope for a better tomorrow. Let join hands and Pray for it.
Feminism is the belief that women should have equal political, social, sexual, intellectual and economic rights to men. But the way we Indians look at it is very different. For us Feminist is the one who breaks families and lives life for herself. The Selfish , evil side of woman. How strange ?? Is defending yourself or speaking for your sister an evil ? We teach our daugters to be like our sons, when will we start teaching our sons to be like daughters ?
Daughters are taught respect and tolerance, to be obedient and loyal. We also trained them to be brave and educated and be independent. Sons are groomed to hammer a nail or drill a straight hole, things like boxing, shooting, cigars,car/bike maintenance etc., We moms should teach them “empathy” & “compassion” , to be "gentle" and "sensitive" . Most important," To cry when they are hurt and when they hurt others". And a day would come when a Girl will thank you from the bottom of her heart !!!
We can only hope for a better tomorrow. Let join hands and Pray for it.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Proud to be an Indian.
My experiences in the last two weeks have proved that we are safe as citizens of this country in the hands of Mother India.
I am a single mother , a victim of domestic violence :a post graduate working for a software co. in Bangalore. My husband (currently unemployed) also a software professional and we were married for 6years before he threw me out of the house on a chill Sunday night in Decemeber 08. Our only son is 3 yrs. We have had problem with marriage right from the beginning. By the time I found out it was too late. Like any other Indian girl, I tried to “adjust”, “compromise” and then started a saga of emotional abuse.
The trauma was severe on my only child and me. But for some odd reason could never identify what I was going through as Domestic Violence. And went through it for 6 years. All my money was invested towards the household and finally when I was thrown out of the house had absolutely no assets or money. With the help of my parents I decided to live on my own and found a rented place as a shelter ( I have been paying EMI’s for 2 Home Loans and cars) and had nothing registered in my name.
My husband filed a complaint withVanitha Sahayavani (Women's Cell - Bangalore Police Commissioner's Office) and during the counselling session they gave the custody of the minor to me. I was trying to start a new leaf in life quietly.
Last weekend my husband barged into my residence and took away my child and fled from Banglore. It was a Saturday evening and I didn’t know where to go for help. He and his henchmen abused me all night long. What can a single woman do in a big city like Bangalore. I approached help of Vanitha Sahayavani (Women’s Help Line- Commissioner of Police- Bangalore) and they helped me lodge a complaint with Local Police.
I also moved a petition in the Honourable High Court Of Karnataka for Habeas corpus and Govt. of Karnataka helped me get my child back. The Police Department of Kerala also gave me all support.
All these happened in less than 3 days time. My child is back safe in my hands, and I thank God Almighty and the Judicial System and law and order System of our country.
Today I realise that It's the educated , Independent women who are victims of Domestic Abuse ; and we live with it , live through it for our parents and for the society.
Being an ordinary citizen with no political influence or money power I was given Justice ….If I can do it , So can you ....
I am a single mother , a victim of domestic violence :a post graduate working for a software co. in Bangalore. My husband (currently unemployed) also a software professional and we were married for 6years before he threw me out of the house on a chill Sunday night in Decemeber 08. Our only son is 3 yrs. We have had problem with marriage right from the beginning. By the time I found out it was too late. Like any other Indian girl, I tried to “adjust”, “compromise” and then started a saga of emotional abuse.
The trauma was severe on my only child and me. But for some odd reason could never identify what I was going through as Domestic Violence. And went through it for 6 years. All my money was invested towards the household and finally when I was thrown out of the house had absolutely no assets or money. With the help of my parents I decided to live on my own and found a rented place as a shelter ( I have been paying EMI’s for 2 Home Loans and cars) and had nothing registered in my name.
My husband filed a complaint withVanitha Sahayavani (Women's Cell - Bangalore Police Commissioner's Office) and during the counselling session they gave the custody of the minor to me. I was trying to start a new leaf in life quietly.
Last weekend my husband barged into my residence and took away my child and fled from Banglore. It was a Saturday evening and I didn’t know where to go for help. He and his henchmen abused me all night long. What can a single woman do in a big city like Bangalore. I approached help of Vanitha Sahayavani (Women’s Help Line- Commissioner of Police- Bangalore) and they helped me lodge a complaint with Local Police.
I also moved a petition in the Honourable High Court Of Karnataka for Habeas corpus and Govt. of Karnataka helped me get my child back. The Police Department of Kerala also gave me all support.
All these happened in less than 3 days time. My child is back safe in my hands, and I thank God Almighty and the Judicial System and law and order System of our country.
Today I realise that It's the educated , Independent women who are victims of Domestic Abuse ; and we live with it , live through it for our parents and for the society.
Being an ordinary citizen with no political influence or money power I was given Justice ….If I can do it , So can you ....
You thought only Physical abuse amount to Domestic Vilence “NO”
Are you a Victim of Domestic Violence?
You thought only Physical abuse amount to Domestic Vilence “NO”
"Although physical abuse is thought to be the most obvious form of abuse, emotional abuse has the potential to be even more devastating than physical abuse. This is because it is hard to prove and, thus, difficult to stop," Many people find that emotional abuse is difficult to even talk about, as others seldom take it seriously.
"Repeated verbal abuse such as blaming, ridiculing, insulting, swearing, yelling and humiliation has long-term negative effects on your self-esteem. It contributes to a perception of uselessness, worthlessness and self-blame,"
Eventually, emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating emotional scars that can be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones.
Am a post graduate working for a software co. in Bangalore. My husband also a software professional and we have been married for 6years. Our only son is 3 yrs. We have had problem with marriage right from the beginning. Ours was an Internet marriage. He had faked about his qualification and also kept away from me the fact that he was undergoing psychiatric treatment for depression for couple of years. By the time I found out it was too late. Like any other Indian girl, I tried to “adjust”, “compromise” and then started a saga of emotional abuse.
First it was Rejection : Refusing to acknowledge a person's worth; telling me that I am useless or inferior; devaluing my thoughts and feelings.
Then started Verbal assaults: Degrading, insulting, ridiculing, belittling, criticising, name calling, screaming, threatening, behaviour that, over time, erodes the identity, dignity and self-worth of the person.
Isolation: Restricting normal contact with others; limiting freedom within the person's own environment. We did not have any social life for 6 yrs. We never went to anybody’s house for Lunch/Dinner. Nor did we invite others.
Unreasonable expectations: Placing unreasonable demands and wanting a person to put everything else aside to tend to their needs. Unreasonable expectations from me about taking leave and sitting at home once or twice in a week. I was asked to look for a part time job or come back by before 6’o clock. Being in a Senior position its almost impossible to do that.
Constant chaos: Deliberately starting arguments and being in constant conflict with others. The person may be 'addicted to drama' since it creates a sense of excitement. For anything and everything there was drama at home.
Denial: Denying a person's emotional needs with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating him/ her. Also, denying that certain events occurred or that certain things were said by saying, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and even question your sanity. It used to happen in every conversation.
Emotional blackmail: Playing on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, and other 'emotional buttons' to get what they want. This could include threats to end the relationship, to totally reject or abandon you, or the use of other fear tactics to control you. "Jealousy, possessiveness and interrogation about a partner's whereabouts and activities are examples of controlling behaviours that restrict a partner's independence and freedom,"
Invalidation: Undermining a person's perceptions of their world. For example, if the recipient tells the abuser they felt hurt by something he/ she did or said, the abuser might say "You are too sensitive. That shouldn't hurt you."
Financial Abuse: All my earning were invested in the household. And all properties and assets have been registerd under his name. My loss runs in to lakhs but more importantly "I have lost my life"
Cycle of emotional abuse
Emotional abuse often follows a pattern.
In the first phase, there is a build-up of tension and a breakdown in communication.
The second phase involves the actual incident of verbal and emotional abuse.
The third phase involves reconciliation. The abuser apologises, offers excuses, blames the victim, denies the abuse occurred, or says it wasn't as bad as the victim claims.
Finally, in the fourth phase, there is calm. The incident is 'forgotten' and no abuse is taking place. Then, after some time, the cycle repeats itself.
Check List – Are you emotionally abused?
Take a moment to consider these questions. They will help you identify if you are being emotionally abused, and provide some ideas on what you can do about it.
Do you feel your partner controls your life?
Do you feel your partner doesn't value your thoughts and feelings?
Does your partner ever criticise you, humiliate you, threaten/ intimidate you, or undermine your self-esteem?
Does your partner get angry and jealous if you talk to someone else? Are you accused of having affairs?
Do you get mixed messages, such as the reason you're being abused is because he/ she loves you?
Does your partner tell you no one else would want you, or that you're lucky he/ she takes care of you?
Does your partner use the children against you in arguments or threaten you'll never see them again if you leave?
Does your partner blame you for whatever goes wrong?
Do you do anything you can to please your partner or not upset him/ her?
Have you noticed changes in your eating, sleeping or alcohol usage?
Do you feel sick, anxious, tired or depressed most of the time?
Have you lost self-confidence and are unable to make decisions for yourself?
Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or neighbours?
Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?
Does your partner refuse to share household and family responsibilities?
What can you do about it ??
Realise that emotional abuse is a serious problem, and can be as bad or worse than physical abuse.
Emotional abuse can lead to physical abuse. Take the issue your own safety and the safety of your children (if any) seriously.
Know that you are not to blame for your partner's abusive behaviour and that no one ever deserves to be abused.
Find people to talk to, who can support you.(If you are in Bangalore dial 1091) Consider going for counselling. If possible, convince your spouse to go as well. Take the help of your near and dear ones.
Know that you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any type of abuse may take time.
Trust yourself and your own perceptions. Believe in your strengths.
Remember that you are not alone and help is available.
Getting your self-esteem back on track is a priority. Often, we allow people into our lives who treat us as we expect to be treated. If we are willing to tolerate negative treatment from others, it's quite possible we treat ourselves the same way.
What sorts of things do you say to yourself? Do thoughts such as "I am no good" or "I never do anything right" dominate your thought process? Learning to love and care for yourself increases self-esteem and makes it more likely you will have healthy relationships.
The Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act 2005 is for you !!!! Stand Up and safe guard your rights...
You thought only Physical abuse amount to Domestic Vilence “NO”
"Although physical abuse is thought to be the most obvious form of abuse, emotional abuse has the potential to be even more devastating than physical abuse. This is because it is hard to prove and, thus, difficult to stop," Many people find that emotional abuse is difficult to even talk about, as others seldom take it seriously.
"Repeated verbal abuse such as blaming, ridiculing, insulting, swearing, yelling and humiliation has long-term negative effects on your self-esteem. It contributes to a perception of uselessness, worthlessness and self-blame,"
Eventually, emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating emotional scars that can be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones.
Am a post graduate working for a software co. in Bangalore. My husband also a software professional and we have been married for 6years. Our only son is 3 yrs. We have had problem with marriage right from the beginning. Ours was an Internet marriage. He had faked about his qualification and also kept away from me the fact that he was undergoing psychiatric treatment for depression for couple of years. By the time I found out it was too late. Like any other Indian girl, I tried to “adjust”, “compromise” and then started a saga of emotional abuse.
First it was Rejection : Refusing to acknowledge a person's worth; telling me that I am useless or inferior; devaluing my thoughts and feelings.
Then started Verbal assaults: Degrading, insulting, ridiculing, belittling, criticising, name calling, screaming, threatening, behaviour that, over time, erodes the identity, dignity and self-worth of the person.
Isolation: Restricting normal contact with others; limiting freedom within the person's own environment. We did not have any social life for 6 yrs. We never went to anybody’s house for Lunch/Dinner. Nor did we invite others.
Unreasonable expectations: Placing unreasonable demands and wanting a person to put everything else aside to tend to their needs. Unreasonable expectations from me about taking leave and sitting at home once or twice in a week. I was asked to look for a part time job or come back by before 6’o clock. Being in a Senior position its almost impossible to do that.
Constant chaos: Deliberately starting arguments and being in constant conflict with others. The person may be 'addicted to drama' since it creates a sense of excitement. For anything and everything there was drama at home.
Denial: Denying a person's emotional needs with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating him/ her. Also, denying that certain events occurred or that certain things were said by saying, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and even question your sanity. It used to happen in every conversation.
Emotional blackmail: Playing on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, and other 'emotional buttons' to get what they want. This could include threats to end the relationship, to totally reject or abandon you, or the use of other fear tactics to control you. "Jealousy, possessiveness and interrogation about a partner's whereabouts and activities are examples of controlling behaviours that restrict a partner's independence and freedom,"
Invalidation: Undermining a person's perceptions of their world. For example, if the recipient tells the abuser they felt hurt by something he/ she did or said, the abuser might say "You are too sensitive. That shouldn't hurt you."
Financial Abuse: All my earning were invested in the household. And all properties and assets have been registerd under his name. My loss runs in to lakhs but more importantly "I have lost my life"
Cycle of emotional abuse
Emotional abuse often follows a pattern.
In the first phase, there is a build-up of tension and a breakdown in communication.
The second phase involves the actual incident of verbal and emotional abuse.
The third phase involves reconciliation. The abuser apologises, offers excuses, blames the victim, denies the abuse occurred, or says it wasn't as bad as the victim claims.
Finally, in the fourth phase, there is calm. The incident is 'forgotten' and no abuse is taking place. Then, after some time, the cycle repeats itself.
Check List – Are you emotionally abused?
Take a moment to consider these questions. They will help you identify if you are being emotionally abused, and provide some ideas on what you can do about it.
Do you feel your partner controls your life?
Do you feel your partner doesn't value your thoughts and feelings?
Does your partner ever criticise you, humiliate you, threaten/ intimidate you, or undermine your self-esteem?
Does your partner get angry and jealous if you talk to someone else? Are you accused of having affairs?
Do you get mixed messages, such as the reason you're being abused is because he/ she loves you?
Does your partner tell you no one else would want you, or that you're lucky he/ she takes care of you?
Does your partner use the children against you in arguments or threaten you'll never see them again if you leave?
Does your partner blame you for whatever goes wrong?
Do you do anything you can to please your partner or not upset him/ her?
Have you noticed changes in your eating, sleeping or alcohol usage?
Do you feel sick, anxious, tired or depressed most of the time?
Have you lost self-confidence and are unable to make decisions for yourself?
Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or neighbours?
Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?
Does your partner refuse to share household and family responsibilities?
What can you do about it ??
Realise that emotional abuse is a serious problem, and can be as bad or worse than physical abuse.
Emotional abuse can lead to physical abuse. Take the issue your own safety and the safety of your children (if any) seriously.
Know that you are not to blame for your partner's abusive behaviour and that no one ever deserves to be abused.
Find people to talk to, who can support you.(If you are in Bangalore dial 1091) Consider going for counselling. If possible, convince your spouse to go as well. Take the help of your near and dear ones.
Know that you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any type of abuse may take time.
Trust yourself and your own perceptions. Believe in your strengths.
Remember that you are not alone and help is available.
Getting your self-esteem back on track is a priority. Often, we allow people into our lives who treat us as we expect to be treated. If we are willing to tolerate negative treatment from others, it's quite possible we treat ourselves the same way.
What sorts of things do you say to yourself? Do thoughts such as "I am no good" or "I never do anything right" dominate your thought process? Learning to love and care for yourself increases self-esteem and makes it more likely you will have healthy relationships.
The Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act 2005 is for you !!!! Stand Up and safe guard your rights...
Source:www.rediff.com
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